Non-Gamer Tips for 2013
by Shawnie Kelly (@DearShawnie)
Happy New Year, nerds! 2012 was an amazing year for this non-gamer, full of new adventures and some old adventures reincarnated — like Sonic and Golden Eye to name a few. Since I am basically competent a total expert now, cough-cough, I would like to take this moment to address all of the other non-gamers out there who are thinking of diving into a similar situation as myself. I have learned a few tricks along the way that I think would be beneficial for anyone looking to increase their gaming cred in 2013. That’s right, I am willing to give up all of the secrets that have made me so successful in the gaming world! I put an exclamation point at the end of that sentence so it would seem more legitimate, and I’m pretty sure it worked.
So without further ado, I give you my gaming tips for 2013:
Observation is key in anything that we would like to be successful at in life, so obviously it also applies to gaming. For example, if I would like to know how one does not continually crash into walls and fall into water repeatedly on a racing game, I would watch someone who is not handicapped in this particular area like I myself happen to be. For others with this handicap, don’t worry… it gets better. Sometimes I can go a whole lap without crashing into anything. However, I still struggle with other little things here and there — like turning corners. No biggie. Find someone to stare at creepily while they do these seemingly simple things that are, in fact, extremely complicated.
2. When in foreign territory, feign expertise
Let me set up a little hypothetical for us. Say you somehow end up at a mutual friend’s place, and for some reason, they want to play video games. For me, there are still many other things I would do before playing video games, but that’s just an instinct that I honestly don’t believe will ever go away. Anyway, they key word is mutual here. You don’t know these people, so this is your chance to “fake it till you make it”… this strategy also works with other things in life, but we won’t get into all of that today. When you pretend to know what you’re doing, other people just tend to kind of go “Okay” and totally believe anything and everything. Pick up that controller like a BAWSS! Reload those weapons like “YEAH, I DO THIS ALL DAY EVERYDAY, PLAYAS!” The one thing I do recommend in this situation, however, is to not “crouch” for anything. For some reason, when I’m trying to play a stealth game, I have no problem getting down, and all kinds of problems getting back up. This will be a red flag that you are not all that and a bag of chips. (I’m bringing this phrase back in 2013, y’all. Just go with it).
3. Take a “Controller 101” course
This tip is fairly self-explanatory. If you don’t like people yelling at you all the time, then please enroll in a controller course at your local community college. I don’t think this class actually exists, so basically I just had a brilliant idea that someone other than me should totally follow through with. I would just like some royalties in the event of extreme popularity/success.
4. Don’t play for more than 2 hours at a time
I have never played a game for very long, but that’s just because I have attention issues that need to be dealt with. However, there are some people who can literally sit for 10+ hours at a time and play games. In a strange way, I respect you weirdos. But we need to be cautious and put safety first at all times. We’ve all heard the wives tales about the kid who dies from playing video games for too long with little to no circulation running through their veins. Please take frequent snackie breaks and always have a water bottle handy.
5. Don’t fall in love with video game characters
They will only break your heart, people. You love them, but they can never love you back. Probably because they aren’t real, AND NEVER WILL BE… sorry, this is a touchy subject for me. I’m looking at you, Master Chief.
And there you have it. I hope these tips will be beneficial to you as we move into 2013. If not, I sort of understand. But not really. These are great tips, you guys.
Happy gaming, you gamers!
Photo credit: Marshall Block