The Habits and Habitats of the Nerdus Geekonimus
by Angelle Bonnecarrere
On the days that I’m not moved to go out, drink margaritas, and sing “I Would Do Anything for Love (but I Won’t Do That)” at karaoke, I spend my time at home watching nature shows. It could be any of them, but my favorites are Planet Earth and Blue Planet. There is something soothing and stress relieving about watching a little cuttlefish make its way along the ocean floor as David Attenborough narrates its journey. I make popcorn, get in my PJs and prepare to be amazed at the amazing amazingness that is nature.
Until I watched one of these shows in HD.
I was sitting with my mother as she christened her new HDTV by watching episodes of some reality show she enjoys. Since I’m a huge believer that reality shows are produced by Satan and his minions, I asked if we could change it to Blue Planet, my mom had never seen it, but agreed reluctantly. She’s always afraid that she will end up watching something with a “message” that will make her “take a hard look at her life”. My mother is in her 60’s, she’s pretty much over making the hard life choices and just wants to watch Judge Judy in peace. I, of course, thought AWESOME I can finally watch a nature show HD! The fish will glisten and it will be like I’m right there!
My mom switched the channel and we watched as the cute penguins waddled along the coastal seas. Then, without warning, the music turned ominous and the violins kicked in. No, not the violins! I looked at my mom, so peaceful in her chair after a long day, knowing that things were about to get bad. Really bad. A seal comes out of the surf and grabs one of the penguins by the neck. Gore sprays everywhere in slow motion as my mom and I gasped in horror. When it was over I felt like I needed to take a shower and file a police report.
“I saw the whole thing, officer. It was awful. That seal came out of nowhere! I just don’t feel safe anymore.”
My mom turned to me and said, “You WATCH these shows?” I said they aren’t that bad. Usually I’m watching flying fish galavanting through the waves, not a homicide. After the initial shock wore off and the bouts of PTSD had subsided, I thought how cool it would be to have David Attenborough narrate my life….
“The Angelle wakes up to the sound of her alarm clock. She is a nomadic species prone to watching marathons of An Idiot Abroad. She can be lured into the open with carrot sticks and roasted pine nut hummus. Angelles are very clumsy and tend to stay away from many activities where they might get hurt. This includes, but is not limited to, card playing, skiing, and walking.”
Photo credit Tahnee Gehm